The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
