He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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