I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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