Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
