You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
