remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
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i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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