Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
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I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.