I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
