One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it's like iHOP with fire
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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