I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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