Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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