I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
