mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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