i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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