there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
