I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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