So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
