I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
