Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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