I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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