Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
