the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
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Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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