Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
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Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
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They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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