Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
