I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
