How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
