Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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