I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
