Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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