don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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