I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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