Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
