idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?