Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
