god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
