my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
