you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
