Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
