no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
