I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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