I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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