'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
