there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
