don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
