I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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