so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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