I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
