I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
