I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
