seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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