My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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