she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
