Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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