I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im about as happy as oj after his trial
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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