remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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