She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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