On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
