He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
