Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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