and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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