Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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